There are things that happen in life that I can't tell my friends and family about. However, a person can't keep everything inside!
Wife - daughter - employee - lover - writer - musician - sculpter - guilt hound - tea drinker - just another face in the crowd
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Claire in 30 seconds
Random Things I Can't Tell Regular People
Monday, February 27
Sometimes I get sad
I've been drinking a lot of coffee lately. I drink coffee as a treat; I don't brew it at home. It makes me feel good to have an extra $2 to throw away. And I like to feel like I'm going to be awake for a few hours. But, I've been going from maybe a cup a week, to 2 or 3 a week. And I'd drink more if I could. Coffee is my drug of choice.
I've been axious lately. Anxious about everything. My husband's been dealing with some concerning health issues. Just in the testing phase right now, but it makes me a little nervous. Really nervous, actually. He doesn't even need to mention it, but
when something goes on in his body, he does this little listening thing with his head, his hand goes to his pulse and I know something's going on. I just wish I knew a) how serious it was b) how to help relieve the discomfort of his body and c) ease his mind. I just keep waiting for the other shoe to fall and having to get him to the hospital right away. I hate the not knowing.
I'm pretty well always on the brink of tears. Anything can put me over the edge. Seeing someone on the street. Hearing a sad song. Seeing a bird on a branch. Earlier last week on the way home from work, I did cry, the thoughts just got out of hand. What if my husband dies? What if I get sick? What if the pandemic comes to our city? What will I do and how will I have the strength to cope. Sitting by myself on the subway, crying for no reason other than vague discomfort - what a pathetic sight I must have been.
And I'm exhausted. I feel like I could sleep all the time. In fact, the idea of being in bed with the covers pulled up over my eyes is extremely appealing. Every little job, from making dinner to writing emails to talking to the landlord, seem insurmountable.
The good news, is an incredible closeness I feel with my husband. Earlier in our journey through this bog of stress, I was closing off to him. That's stopped and I just feel so wonderfully close to him, despite all this muck we're trudging through.
Nevertheless, I don't really talk about it much with him. My husband, obviously, is dealing with things too. His own health. His concerns for the future. His not sleeping well. I feel like I need to be the strong one. At least sometimes. I'm not sure if I can do it...
posted by claire ~ 10:34 p.m. |
Friday, February 24
Talkin' about backdoor action
Magdelena had a very informative post about ... you know, bum fun, which I've only now been able to comment on. When my husband and I were first married, I wouldn't even let him say Anal Sex and I think I'm still a little queasy about the "A" word, preferring to use euphamisms. The best one so far is Fifth Base, brought to you by All About my Vagina.
Backdoor lovin' is not my favourite position. However, I do enjoy it once we get into it. I've been known to come like Vesuvius using the Exit Only pleasure area, but to do so, I have to completely turn my brain off. (I've found alcohol or other substances especially helpful here). I have a huge mental block when it comes to my bum. Enormous mental block. It's a lot of work to try to break that down, but my husband really, really likes bum fun, and I like it too. So we've decided to keep working on it.
When we started, he went really, really slowly. (We're not even to the penis stage here, folks.) This was weeks of fingers and other friendly objects, teaching me that the bum is a nice place. This is still one of the best parts of bum fun - the Getting Used To stage. I'm not all tense, I'm not afraid, my brain isn't trying to sabotoge my body, things just feel good.
When we finally got to the actual "sodomy" part (and that, another horrible, horrible word choice - do you see why I have such issues with this topic?!?) my husband made sure to make it very intimate, and full of conversation. I think I probably cried the first time we did it, it was just so very intimate. That was why I liked it in the first place - not so much the physical pleasure but the emotional closeness it brought.
Things have changed a little now, and although still immensely intimate (moreso than anything else we do) I'm able to have a little fun with it. The difference now? A simple towel. To put my mind at ease for the Worst Case Scenario. It's helped me calm down a whole lot with the whole thing. It saves the post-orgasmic run to the loo, which totally breaks the mood.
One time, I think the Worst Case Scenario actually did happen. I'm not going to spell it out for you, but thanks to the towel I'm not even sure if it did happen, it was such a non-issue. And, my darling and wise husband has never brought it up, nor have I. I think we both know I would be so mortally embarassed my ring of joy would be sealed tight forever.
Now, that's not to say things are perfect. Last time I actually squelched an orgasm because of my fear of making a fool of myself. Just when I was about to fall off the edge, I turned around and scurried down the fire escape. Not too satisfying and, imagine if I'd just gotten over myself and let go - record breaking orgam! But, I'm learning, and things are getting better.
So, I'm writing this post to remind my conscious brain that bum fun is not something to fear or avoid. To remind myself that good things happen at the backdoor. To break down that enormous mental block one brick at a time. And, to let my husband know that although sometimes a little hesitant, I'm still trying...
And now, why the peacock image above? I'm not sure. I google imaged "intimacy" and he came up and I liked it. I like that he's a peacock, the emblem of all things flashy and showy. But he's albino, and so a little subdued. Let's delve deep into the BS'ing days of undergrad and say that The albino peacock is a symbol of Claire's feelings of reaching Fifth Base. It is beautiful, but not in the traditional sense. It requires a certain amount of grace, elegance and confidence to make the beauty happen. And it's pretty dang cool.
posted by claire ~ 9:51 a.m. |
Thursday, February 23
The best post-orgasm chit-chat ever
Me, looking down and chuckling: Heheh, I'm all sploogy.
Him: Yeah, you're sploogerific.
So, that mid-week naked fun? Got some.
posted by claire ~ 9:13 a.m. |
Wednesday, February 22
Sometimes I question humanity's intelligence
I received an email at work today from, phychopathic_bitch_34029@----.com That is funny and sad on so many levels. Not only is she broadcasting that she's crazy, but also that she can't spell. And that the 34028 people before her couldn't spell either!
That's my job. Dealing with phycopaths for 7.75 hrs/day.
posted by claire ~ 11:49 p.m. |
Sunday, February 19
The weekend's over. I'm not too pleased.
We had mind blowingly good sex the other night. We've kind of lessened our quantity recently, but our quality is sky-high. I think when we go without for a while, I get all the more sensitive and tingly when things do heat up. This weekend, for example, I went a little berzerk. I mean it was just so good and I was feeling that I had to have all the pleasure, all at once. Embarassingly hedonistic, really.
I tried to write a nice, fun, bloggy kind of list this afternoon. Could only think of lame things to share. I was totally in a list mood, but it just didn't work out. Maybe next time.
I think my goal for the week is some mid-week naked fun. Not to be too tired or hassled or busy. To take the initiative for once. I'd also like to feel beautiful this week. At least for a little while.
Maybe we need some more alcohol in this house.
Time for bed. I have another brain numbingly long week ahead. Want to be prepared.
posted by claire ~ 11:47 p.m. |
Saturday, February 18
I got the fever!
Figleaf posted about nudism. One of the things on my List of Things to Do Before I Die is visit a nude beach. Nude is one of my favourite states of being. I am most comfortable when I'm naked. Trouble is, it's February. And I live in friggin' Canada. Sure, our apartment is comfortable, but if I took off my shirt and pants (not to mention my thermal vest) I'd be shivering. I wish it were August.
Here's my compromise. Nude. Comfortable. And wrapped in a fluffy duvet.
posted by claire ~ 12:01 a.m. |
Friday, February 17
I feel strong today
posted by claire ~ 9:44 a.m. |
Tuesday, February 14
Just a Quivering Mass of Insecurity
Alternately titled: Claire Slides Horizontally Across the Corporate Ladder
So, I got a bit of a job change lately. I don't think it's a promotion per se (ie, no pay raise) but my daily tasks are a half step more enjoyable than my previous daily tasks. Trouble is, I knew what the expectations were before - and I knew I met them. Now, I'm just not so sure...
I think I got to slide over to this slightly more enjoyable (and quite coveted among the co-workers) position mainly because of my working hours. I am the only member of the evening shift who's worked there more than 6 months. I'm not confident that it had anything to do with my skills and abilitites at all. Now that I've shifted over to these new tasks, I'm not sure if I'm keeping up or meeting expectations. I knew what was expected before (even though it sucked) but now, I've been reduced again to a quivering mass of insecurity.
I thought I was supposed to get more confident as I grew up.
posted by claire ~ 11:21 p.m. |
For the record, I don't celebrate Valentine's Day. I believe it's a farce of a holiday, dreamt up by Hallmark and Lindt and the Rose Growers of America. If my husband loves me, and I believe he does, I prefer him telling me daily, instead of just February 14th. Honestly, I can think of better ways of spending $60 than on a dozen roses.
(And secretly, I hope someone brings treats to the office tomorrow, because I'm a sucker for sweets.)
posted by claire ~ 12:20 a.m. |
Thursday, February 9
Two funny things
I recently became aware of a list of blogs, of which I have been magically added.
Item 1: My description is Insight into the mind of an independent woman. Although I do have my own ideas, I'm pretty well codependent with my husband. Maybe they didn't read that 89% of my posts mention or are about my husband.
Item 2: Right below my link is Reality and Redemption, apparently Thoughts from an unhappily married female. Made me chuckle, what do you say to that, Digger?
posted by claire ~ 11:41 p.m. |
'Til death do us part
Crap. Worse than the news of a blogger taking their blog down, is the news of a marriage breaking up. Blog-life or real-life, I feel breakups personally. I've told my husband hundreds of times he's never getting a divorce out of me. Hearing about broken marriages makes me want to hug him and never let him go. Ever.
posted by claire ~ 11:36 p.m. |
Feel good post
For some reason, I am filled with a sense of well being this evening. I'm usually tired and cranky by the time I get home from work. Today, not so. This despite the fact that: I've been running on a sleep deficit since Monday. My day seemed particularly long at work. My husband had a very scary health issue last night/this morning. I didn't go running today.
Today, I just felt so at peace on the way home from work. Riding public transit, still surrounded by dirt, ruffians, germs and other tired commuters - I just felt good. I wish I knew what is causing these good feelings. I'd like to bottle it. I watched a kid eating an apple and thought it entrancing instead of disgusting. I accidentally caught the eye of a fellow commuter and, instead of finding it creepy, gave them an apologetic grin. Randomly, I picked up an abandoned paper and tried to do the Sudoku puzzle that stumped me this morning. This evening? no trouble! - I am unstoppable.
Maybe not, but I do feel good. I think I'm going to create something. Feeling good is too rare an emotion to waste at the computer.
posted by claire ~ 9:22 p.m. |
Sunday, February 5
in which Claire learns something about herself
So, after my last post about the shirt removal thing, I began to realise that I'm not all librarian afterall. I do think that some things are sexy. It didn't take me long to compile a list (I'm still librarian enough to enjoy a good list!)
- Forearms: I've always been attracted to forearms. Nice muscular ones. Ones that show good motor dexterity and open jars with ease. I'll admit (and here's something I've never told anyone, ever.) I once had a bit of a crush on the paster of our church for the sole reason that he had nice forearms. I used to be into rock climbing - there were always good forearms in that sport. My husband, who likes to tinker with things and is quite handy with a screwdriver, has developed very nice forearms.
- Manly leg hair: I like my man to look like a man and I like the look of body hair. It's just so darn... manly! Now that being said, my husband has started shaving his bits and I do like that - but there's no way that smooth skin is girly - it's just a loverly contrast from the rest of his fuzziness.
- Grey Hair: I can't wait until my husband starts going grey. I always admire that distinguished look of a man who's going grey.
There's probably more, if I had more time or energy, maybe I could think up some other items. I found as I was trying to find an appropriate image for the post(but alas! not finding any) that I enjoy looking at the kind of men that aren't popular on the internet. The best images I could find were the gay art sites, but those men didn't seem to have the "strong silent" thing going for them. Hmmm, I'll have to do more research. In any case, I wanted to get these sexy characteristics down in print before I forgot - I can see sexiness around me!
What about you, women and men? What characteristics to you find sexy in a person?
posted by claire ~ 11:14 p.m. |
Saturday, February 4
The much missed bj, relational revelation and miscellaneous other items
Last night, I gave such satisfying oral sex. I'd been wanting to for ages, but just hadn't had the courage to jump in. It was delicious. Knowing that my husband is enjoying himself is nice, but when he gets hard under my touch - there really is nothing like it. Last night I really wanted to drag it out, didn't want it to end. But, when I tasted precum, that was it, I was hooked. I was out of commission for the week so it was all him. (And a little bit of my fingers for me, but just a little bit - so I guess it was mostly all him.) Man, he is just so lovely!
It's been a slow realisation, but after my mini-meltdown the other day, I think some things are going to change. I belive I'd forgotten that our marriage is built on the sound principle of 60/40, not 50/50 and I wasn't putting my 60 in with a good attitude. My husband was so very good to me when I was sick, he always takes such good care of me, and here I am, complaining because life isn't going my way. Well, I can't guarantee being the perfect wife 100% from here on in, but I think there has been a substantial shift in my thinking. Saturday mornings were built for such quiet reflections as this.
My knee's been buggered this week, so I started doing pushups while recovering. I believe it has helped my oral sex stamina significantly. Good health is important!
As my husband knows, I'm not really much one for fantasies and I don't really comment too much that something is sexy. But, there really is nothing like a man taking a shirt off (hence the above picture). They do it in such a manly way, not like us ladies afraid of mussing up our hair ...or maybe it's just me.
posted by claire ~ 12:40 p.m. |
Friday, February 3
So, I had a mini-melt down yesterday. Apparently, I don't take my husband being unemployed very well. Since I don't write about stuff like this on our family site, you are the lucky readers who get to hear about it. woo-hoo.
I've been trying so hard to be strong, to buck up and deal with things, but when I get tired or overwhelmed, I just can't do it anymore. Which is frustrating because the "it" that I have to do it pretty well just what I was doing before. But, for some reason, can't handle it now.
Yesterday, I was doing fine until I got a massive headache (the kind that make you throw up) and had to call in sick from work. When stress makes you take time off work, doesn't that mean something? Anyway, I'm feeling well right now, but lately I've been teetering on the brink of totally flipping out. Suggestions anyone? I'd love a magic pill or something...
posted by claire ~ 8:49 a.m. |
Thursday, February 2
After reading Eros' rant, it is my considered opinion that I disagree. But, thanks to Bacchus, I have at least thought about it. If the time comes (and we all know it's inevitable. Even our friend Tajalude has packed it in) I will not be leaving my archives up. I will be deleteing my entire blog and leaving 1 post of moderate explanation, a la SN. I am sorry that I will be breaking the internet, but it's my blog and I've only ever done it for selfish reasons anyway. My blog is my sandcastle and all good things are temporary (except for marriage - that's permanent!)
That being said, I have no plans to jump the blogging ship any time soon. As long as I have secrets I can't tell my family/co-workers, I'll have blog fodder.
posted by claire ~ 8:48 a.m. |
Wednesday, February 1
...in which Claire reminds herself how to stay sane
- If something bugs me, I should just fix it. Taking 5 seconds to pick a towel up off the couch and hang it up in the bathroom is much easier than: eyeing the towel, wondering why the towel is there, getting grumpy about the towel, repressing the grumpy, getting into a huff, picking up the towel and throwing toward the bathroom, hoping it lands on a hook.
- Do something fun every single day. When I make sure that I do something I like, it's easier to handle the things I don't like. I walk and listen to On the Media on my mp3. I make something creative or play my piano. When my life revolves around work and chores at home, it's no fun and I just get crabby.
- Excercise. That thing they say about endorphins and physical activity lifting one's spirits? They weren't kidding.
- More sex. Still working on this one. I'm so busy with points one, two and three that I'm dead tired by bedtime. But, I know it's key and I'm trying, trying to get more action in the household.
Things are not always great. We are very poor lately. I work long hours. The weather is oppressive. My husband is currently unemployed. But, I've been sound of mind these past couple days and I'd really like to keep it up. If life were easy it wouldn't be this fun, right?
posted by claire ~ 10:44 p.m. |
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