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There are things that happen in life that I can't tell my friends and family about. However, a person can't keep everything inside!

Wife - daughter - employee - lover - writer - musician - sculpter - guilt hound - tea drinker - just another face in the crowd

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These are some interesting blogs I keep up on. I'll admit, I rarely comment, but there are some interesting people out there!
All About my Vagina
Myths and Metawhores
Catch Up 272
Unauthorized Bootlog
Fade to Numb
Goose and Gander
Dilemas of a Virgin Slut
Biting my Tongue
...I am Also a Sexual Being
Figleaf's Real Adult Sex
Post Secret(note, Post Secret isn't really a blog, but you should look it over anyway.)
Dingbat Fonts:
The Dingbatcave
Fine Art:
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Random Things I Can't Tell Regular People

Monday, February 27

Sometimes I get sad

Image hosting by PhotobucketI've been drinking a lot of coffee lately. I drink coffee as a treat; I don't brew it at home. It makes me feel good to have an extra $2 to throw away. And I like to feel like I'm going to be awake for a few hours. But, I've been going from maybe a cup a week, to 2 or 3 a week. And I'd drink more if I could. Coffee is my drug of choice.

I've been axious lately. Anxious about everything. My husband's been dealing with some concerning health issues. Just in the testing phase right now, but it makes me a little nervous. Really nervous, actually. He doesn't even need to mention it, but
when something goes on in his body, he does this little listening thing with his head, his hand goes to his pulse and I know something's going on. I just wish I knew a) how serious it was b) how to help relieve the discomfort of his body and c) ease his mind. I just keep waiting for the other shoe to fall and having to get him to the hospital right away. I hate the not knowing.

I'm pretty well always on the brink of tears. Anything can put me over the edge. Seeing someone on the street. Hearing a sad song. Seeing a bird on a branch. Earlier last week on the way home from work, I did cry, the thoughts just got out of hand. What if my husband dies? What if I get sick? What if the pandemic comes to our city? What will I do and how will I have the strength to cope. Sitting by myself on the subway, crying for no reason other than vague discomfort - what a pathetic sight I must have been.

And I'm exhausted. I feel like I could sleep all the time. In fact, the idea of being in bed with the covers pulled up over my eyes is extremely appealing. Every little job, from making dinner to writing emails to talking to the landlord, seem insurmountable.

The good news, is an incredible closeness I feel with my husband. Earlier in our journey through this bog of stress, I was closing off to him. That's stopped and I just feel so wonderfully close to him, despite all this muck we're trudging through.

Nevertheless, I don't really talk about it much with him. My husband, obviously, is dealing with things too. His own health. His concerns for the future. His not sleeping well. I feel like I need to be the strong one. At least sometimes. I'm not sure if I can do it...
posted by claire ~ 10:34 p.m. | bullet.gif


"I feel like I need to be the strong one. At least sometimes. I'm not sure if I can do it..."

If the need is there, Claire, then you will do it. Of that I am quite certain. I think that once this winter finally leaves us and spring returns, with its warm sunshine, then all will be well again, for both you and your husband.

By Anonymous Rob, at 11:01 p.m.  

True Rob. It's been a long, long winter.

By Blogger claire, at 9:29 a.m.  

Good thoughts and prayers your and your husband's way. Even if you don't think you have it, no matter what life throws at you, you'll find the strength. :)

By Blogger NotSoNormal, at 10:23 a.m.  

Ouch! The not knowing - and WAITING!!

Claire, much of what you wrote sounds familiar to me - the crying, wanting the oblivion of sleep and bed, that feeling even the small things are insurmountable... Have you considered anti-depressants? You've listed several of the classic symptoms of depression. (And, I'm only sorry I waited as long as I did to get started.)

By Blogger Breeze, at 10:12 a.m.  

Best wishes. Stay positive!!!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:49 p.m.  

Thanks for the encouragement everyone, it's very much appreciated. I've thought about if I'm depressed, Breeze, but I'm pretty sure this is just situational blues I'm feeling.

Got a good night's rest, trying to eat healthy food, staying active - things are looking up a little...

Thanks for the kind thoughts, folks.

By Blogger claire, at 11:17 p.m.  

Will keep hubby in my prayers. Let me know if I can help out in any way. Take care friend.

By Blogger Moonchild, at 1:45 a.m.  

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