Monday, February 27
Sometimes I get sad
I've been drinking a lot of coffee lately. I drink coffee as a treat; I don't brew it at home. It makes me feel good to have an extra $2 to throw away. And I like to feel like I'm going to be awake for a few hours. But, I've been going from maybe a cup a week, to 2 or 3 a week. And I'd drink more if I could. Coffee is my drug of choice.
I've been axious lately. Anxious about everything. My husband's been dealing with some concerning health issues. Just in the testing phase right now, but it makes me a little nervous. Really nervous, actually. He doesn't even need to mention it, but
when something goes on in his body, he does this little listening thing with his head, his hand goes to his pulse and I know something's going on. I just wish I knew a) how serious it was b) how to help relieve the discomfort of his body and c) ease his mind. I just keep waiting for the other shoe to fall and having to get him to the hospital right away. I hate the not knowing.
I'm pretty well always on the brink of tears. Anything can put me over the edge. Seeing someone on the street. Hearing a sad song. Seeing a bird on a branch. Earlier last week on the way home from work, I did cry, the thoughts just got out of hand. What if my husband dies? What if I get sick? What if the pandemic comes to our city? What will I do and how will I have the strength to cope. Sitting by myself on the subway, crying for no reason other than vague discomfort - what a pathetic sight I must have been.
And I'm exhausted. I feel like I could sleep all the time. In fact, the idea of being in bed with the covers pulled up over my eyes is extremely appealing. Every little job, from making dinner to writing emails to talking to the landlord, seem insurmountable.
The good news, is an incredible closeness I feel with my husband. Earlier in our journey through this bog of stress, I was closing off to him. That's stopped and I just feel so wonderfully close to him, despite all this muck we're trudging through.
Nevertheless, I don't really talk about it much with him. My husband, obviously, is dealing with things too. His own health. His concerns for the future. His not sleeping well. I feel like I need to be the strong one. At least sometimes. I'm not sure if I can do it...
posted by claire ~ 10:34 p.m. |